A Writer's 21st Century Memoir.

Epic Procrastination

The ancient (and untrue) tale of a procrastinator.

I sit fumbling through the scribbled pages of my notes, and as I am beginning to highlight the already densely bolded words in my text book, I decided that I should take a break. I started stretching, and as I was walking around the room I noticed my trash can was half full. I procrastinated longer by tossing out the trash in the dumpster outside, and then attempted to head back inside to my studies. But naturally, on the way back in, I saw an old friend passing by. And so, not wanting to be rude, we conversed remembering the days when we used to hang out together. And when the conversation ended, I made my way back indoors. I went straight for my room hoping I wouldn’t encompass anymore distractions, but then I decided that I was sort of hungry and stopped by the fridge for a snack.

I stared blankly at the contents of my refrigerator knowing plainly that I was just standing there to waste time. And after five minutes of peering deeply at my milk carton, I gently closed the door and walked away. Immediately after I glanced down at my wristwatch and noticed that my short break melted into a lost hour. I ran back to my desk and began reading my textbook like mad. So madly in fact, I ended up reading a single sentence repeatedly for ten minutes. I really need to focus, I thought frantically to myself. But something about procrastination just seems more enticing.

So I shut my book and I began to take another short break when I noticed something lying on the floor. I picked up the piece of trash and went to throw it away. And naturally, I decided, what the heck, I’ll just vacuum the whole floor while I’m at it. And so after vacuuming the remaining area of my floor, I dumped the contents of the vacuum’s dust collector in the trash. And then I pondered to myself, should I vacuum the rest of the apartment? It’s quite dirty anyways… Why not? And so I continued vacuuming the rest of the apartment, getting every square inch as I partook in the task, and when I was done and tucked the vacuum away in its place, I realized that the dishes needed washing. I couldn’t vacuum the floor without leaving the dishes could I? And when I was done with that I moved on to the rest of the kitchen. Why not clean the windows while I’m at it?

Hours passed and all I had accomplished was cleaning the apartment. Not a single mention of philosophy had I come across today. I looked to my watch again to only realize that my final exam would take place in three hours. Should I spend it studying or should I get some sleep seeing that it is now 5:00 am? I pondered the dilemma for a moment. I’m just a slave to procrastination anyways. I might as well be rested when I fail my test.

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