A 21st Century Memoir.

“M” is for Maladroit

MWriters of Kern Blogging Challenge (A-Z)

maladroit [ˌmæləˈdrɔɪt]
adj
1. Showing or characterized by clumsiness; not dexterous
2. Tactless and insensitive in behavior or speech
Synonyms: bungling, awkward, inept, clumsy, bumbling, incompetent, unskillful, heavy-handed, gauche, tactless, inconsiderate, undiplomatic, impolitic

The same girl who has gracefully performed onstage in dance recitals and in ballet productions for eleven out of the 23 years of her life, practiced Vinyasa yoga on and off for five, and who has gotten in front of numerous audiences to speak, is the same girl who is so painfully awkward that it actually hurts people to watch her in certain social situations. I’m not sure how my mind works but, one-on-one conversations, situations with smaller groups of people, or sitting directly in front of cameras with no audiences significantly freaks me out. Suddenly the cool and confident-sounding Jasmine giving an educational talk or presentation in front of a college class is seen fumbling over everything and literally running away from people trying to talk to me.

It’s incredibly frustrating to see yourself in one way, thinking that you know what you want and how to get it, but on certain occasions seeing everything go to crap. It feels as if sometimes that any skill I may have had in correctly interacting with people spontaneously escapes me, I forget how to properly function, and the graceful ballerina becomes the newly born baby deer covered in afterbirth planting herself face first into the forest floor.

Only the most over confident friends and family who have forcefully threw themselves on me to break my bubble of incompetence has witnessed the less painfully awkward Jasmine, and every other relationship has frozen or ceased to exist in my anxious sprints to safety. I am trying to work on it though, but I’m sure all the hours spent reading, writing and studying alone in a quiet room isn’t helping my social skills. I can only hope in the meantime that I don’t miss out on great opportunities because of my maladroitness.

3 responses

  1. Great post. Me the ‘introvert” can relate. I find that I can only be social for short periods of time before I retreat again. My husband and children have been pushing me out of my comfort zone. But it;s a struggle.

    Like

    October 28, 2013 at 12:40 am

  2. This post surprises me, Jasmine. When we first met, one-on-one, I didn’t pick up any of that fear or reticence.

    But, I do understand the inner conflict and discouragement when we don’t behave as we expected.

    If I were your life coach, I would ask two questions to start: What have you tried in order to get over it? What else could you try?

    Hugs and thanks,
    xoA

    Like

    November 6, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    • I have been asking myself that lately and attempting to immerse myself with more people. I’m usually okay in one-on-one situations though.

      Like

      November 8, 2013 at 10:26 am

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